Out and about with The Ed... part 1
November 1999
'Now You Know' what I think about people watching... it is the most interesting pastime available where there is neither surcharges nor government taxes.
I am out and about all the time and it just dawned on me this morning that some really funny storylines come about quite innocently, just by pure chance. From now on, I'm going to share the best with you all right here.
Being of the conscientious type, I prefer to take buses everywhere. Only if laziness prevails will I drive, because I can't be bothered with all those other cars hogging up my part of the road... and I ain't paying for new suspension and wheels every time I hit a pot hole in the North Lanarkshire roads. Some of those things should have 'caution, deep mine workings' posted next to them! Much better relax and observe the passing 'scenery', perhaps chat with the other passengers.
Well, a little bit of rain never hurt anyone, (apart from Jordon in the recent floods when he tried wearing tractors on his feet and the neighbours complained when he took his shoes off at the door each night), so I strolled briskly to the nearby bus stop. Bus stop... I never know if that is two words or one and always think of flat red roofs, hmm...
The 56 arrives just as the 267, 123, 234, 345, 456, 567 and 678 pull up, so I jumps on board one of them (they all go the same way, don't they?) pays my fare and promptly falls over some old dear's parked shopping trolley. I hadn't even realised that this was the reason for all the new fangled hydraulic lowering equipment on buses these days. Here's me, dumb as ever, possibly thinking it was for prams ... I'd never have guessed it was for grans hauling a month's supply of spuds home!
You must get a window seat, this is paramount, as is a seat near the front of the bus so that you can count how many mini-roundabouts the driver takes the wrong way. They weren't really made like that... the damned buses flattened them all!
Gets a mile down the road, passing Mr Broon's house (by the way, that hedge really does need trimming) and this dame steps onboard asking for a fixed price ticket. Prices went up yesterday, naturally, so she has to fork out another 15p or go the full hog and buy a return. Well, does she not plank herself down next to me! I was quite surprised at this as the bus was near empty and human beings normally tend to disperse evenly throughout an empty bus. No matter; turns out she knew me and obviously assumed that I still remembered the life histories of all her pet cats.
Two stops further along and the guy behind us must have taken an allergic reaction to something, judging by the sounds of things... could never have been laughing at the poor cat story. No, surely not! Or maybe...
She'd had this particular cat for a few years; says it used to go fetch it's friends and bring them all in the catflap at night to drink Blackcatty Breezers or some such refreshment. She was telling me about having a 'wee doo' for her family and friends this day,(for the benefit of non-Scots, a wee doo is not a small pigeon), nothing special, but said cat decided it would take up residence in the middle of the lawn and just doze in the sun (we do get some here, you know!)After the tea the visitors were asking her to bring the cat in to say goodbye... they hadn't spoken to the cat in a while!? So out she goes... and the cat's only gone and died! Rigor mortis, the works, curled up sleeping right there in full view of the tea party and must have popped off, just like that!
I think that's when the passenger behind us took his allergic reaction or else he was a really sensitive type and was sobbing quietly into his anorak sleeve. It seemed to get much worse when cat lady began explaining how she was too embarrassed to tell the guests that her cat was dead and proceeded to pick it up - stiff furry ball - and stroke it, for all to see! I really did feel sorry for her but had to apologise profusely for my hysterical fit of the giggles as she got off at the next stop.
Thank goodness she wasn't going all the way into town! Mind you, it's really bugging me now because I still don't know what killed the cat! Let this be a lesson to all you night hawks... NEVER snooze in the back garden during a tea party... much safer, apparently, to attend and tolerate the attention.
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