As the quest continues to transfer many years' worth of old posts over onto the newer platform, this is one that first appeared in 1999 as part of our 'Saltire Satire' and 'Woman Zone' categories. It is for entertainment value only, so those of a delicate disposition or who are really easily offended had best avoid this one!

ALTERNATIVE, ALTERNATIVE HEALTH

A brief (and less than serious) look at alternative health practises that can be applied within the workplace.

Rosemary

  • Monday - Acupuncture
  • Tuesday - Aromatherapy
  • Wednesday - Herbalism
  • Thursday - Homeopathy
  • Friday - Meditation
  • Saturday - Magnet Therapy
  • Sunday - Therapeutic Massage

Monday: Acupuncture.

Monday is always the worst day of the week! We are all back at work and nobody in their right mind really wants to be here. But, it's the dawning of a new era in our office, apparently! The boss has introduced new guidelines for a healthy working environment and some wonderful new staff morale booster... named Rosemary!

Anything is worth a go if it makes office life tolerable. Better still, 'the boss' says it will make work a pleasurable place to be! We'll see... I'm certainly up for giving it a go and I'm sure Rosemary will keep us on our pins with her damned needles!

So, where does acupuncture fit into our busy schedule? What exactly is it? Let's find out…

Acupuncture is, traditionally. a Chinese method of healing. It is said to help a variety of problems and addictions. (A small prick always helps put you off smoking afterwards, I hear!) By carefully inserting fine needles into specific points of the body it is thought that the brain reacts by producing endorphins. It all sounds a bit like Samantha's chocolate brownies, if you ask me!

Acupuncture is also reported to act as an anaesthetic. So, too, can this dreary job, but that's another story! Not surprisingly, Millie May uses acupuncture for the surgical removal of her truss, whilst Mr May attempts to solve his little deflation problems with the traditional acupuncture repair kit, consisting of rubber, a pump and some sticky stuff.

Tuesday: Aromatherapy.

After yesterday's pricks anything has to be an improvement, so let's try a little aromatherapy. I believe this to be the therapeutic use of essential oils and not, as suggested, having to inhale the odours expelled by certain indiscreet colleagues. So what's what? I'm stressed out already and this is only Tuesday. Cue Rosemary:

Sandalwood, Ylang Ylang, Rose, Bergamot and Clary Sage should just about cover all your problems. I must stress that they should NOT be mixed together and, if you insist on the massage techniques, PLEASE do not anoint oneself with Clary Sage before going down the pub at lunchtime.

Sandalwood and Ylang Ylang can have slightly aphrodisiac effects and send the pheromones screaming, so I don't want to be held responsible for the staff being so chilled out that they are swooning over desks or flat out on the floor. Should the hormone levels rise too high, resulting in palpitations, more Ylang Ylang may help. The Bergamot should get rid of grumpy men and, if all else fails, the boss should use Lemon to stimulate his regimental workforce.

Final warning - essential oils, although essential, must be neither consumed nor applied neat to naked flesh. Anyone 'in the club', prone to fits or subject to hot flushes should be aware of all contra-indications. Obviously, if you have a dickey ticker, you avoid the more 'up-lifting' essentials.

Wednesday: Herbalism

NO! It does NOT mean we 'roll a joint', it simply means we spend all our time deciding what type of damned tea we drink and get no work done. St. John's Wort capsules litter the desks and Reginald shares his paranoid prostate problems with a nice cup of nettle tea - everyone in the office does their best to support Reggie's prostate! Samantha says she's 'chilling out' in Mr Biggins' office with some sort of spicy brew and old Mr Windthorpe is slowly solving his flatulence problem with the aid of a nice Fennel. Meanwhile, the Camomile is fast disappearing in a bid to calm down the executives' stress.

Thursday: Homeopathy

Like cures like, or so they say. Well, Thursdays have never been the same since that theory was umleashed on the staff. The broom closet was alive with screams and groans for months after Agnes decided it was a good idea to shut all the single members of staff in together to solve their marital status problems. It wasn't long after that Mr Biggins decided to incorporate crèche facilities and private health care into the contracts. Bruised egos were thrown some Arnica and Digitalis is now a totally banned substance in our office.

Friday: Meditation

Everyone is lost in deep thought, reflecting on the previous few days. Samantha, poor girl, got stuck in the lotus position, despite her previously demonstrated suppleness. Rosemary should really have explained the consequences of attempting this move as a double act - Mr Biggins is certainly no contortionist. Agnes slipped into a deep trance and conveniently failed to waken until she toppled off her desk, still snoring as she fell fron grace. Eddie sat silent all day, contemplating the weekend, while some of the others reflected painfully on the pricks that they'd had to endure on the Monday.

The general opinion of the staff reflects that Biggins should never have introduced his twelve-inch ruler and free rubbers policy! It only served to confuse the touch typists and graphic designers. Nor should he have insisted on researching the possibilities of an alternative healthy work environment. Never mind, it's Friday and we've just received what was due to us. There's also the weekend to look forward to - some sort of magnet therapy followed by some therapeutic massage.

Saturday: Magnet Therapy.

The office is closed so most of us relax and enjoy a well-deserved rest. Alarm clocks are cast aside and noon seems to be the favoured time for waking. We normally meet in the pub around 9pm for a booze-up, however, on this particular night, we were expected to partake of the magical magnet therapy. Unlike homeopathy, where like cures like, magnet therapy acts on the 'opposites attract' theory. Hmm...

Tequila slammers, neat scotch and gallon-sized pints soon reduce otherwise sensible individuals to a seething mass of hysteria. So, Rosemary, what are your personal opinions on magnet therapy now?

It certainly appears to be a plausible theory because I had never considered the remote possibility of Samantha and old Mr Windthorpe getting together, nor had I reckoned on the diminutive Miss O'Gynist running off with Ms Anne Thrope like that! What a night! Are you sure you used the magnets?

Sunday: Massage.

Aaah... Sunday! The day of total rest and recuperation. What could be better? Especially as it's aided by a relaxing therapeutic massage, compliments of work. It proved to be a major success, as nothing beats that totally relaxed afterglow when body and mind are at peace with their surroundings and nothing else really matters. Mr Biggins insists all his staff partake of this activity to ensure each is completely refreshed and ready to face another stiff week in the office. Most comply, as it is only the very bravest who would want to rub Biggins up the wrong way!

So there you have it - this is a caring and considerate company, forward thinking and modern in its approach to the office environment. Tempers do become frayed occasionally but, on the whole, Samantha manages to keep on top of things. The new starts soon get used to having Biggins hanging about and the editorial staff graciously suffer the little pricks each Monday to help combat their various afflictions and addictions. In all, we are a happy-go-lucky bunch, but will probably be sacked for disguising this article as an informative look at alternative health and 'slipping it in the backdoor', so to speak.

If you have an office job needs doing, please don't hesitate to contact us. But remember what they say…

Once you've worked with Biggins, it's hard to settle for anything less.

1999 Copyright NYK Media

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